Continued...

The second shot-through-the-heart comment came from a friend (which, wow talk about your divine appointments. In the future, I'll have to share exactly how me and this friend ended up spending 3 1/2 hours talking over lunch at PF Chang's this week).

At some point during that over 3 hour conversation she was sharing some of her struggles and said it took her a long time to come to grips with the fact that God was allowing this because He loves her. Not that He loves her in spite of her difficult situation. Not just that life is hard but God is still loving. But that it was because of God's love for her that He was allowing the hurt.

That messed with me.

I hadn't quite thought about it that way. I'd tried really hard on days that I was really hurting to convince myself that God was still good, still loved me, still wanted what was best for me. But it was a tough sell.

And it had never even crossed my mind that maybe God was allowing this BECAUSE He loves me. Maybe this - the pain and the disappointment and the frustration - were actually the best thing for me. Maybe God in His infinite wisdom knows the end result of all this and knows that I can't get where I'm going unless I walk through this now.

I have no idea how this story will unfold. Maybe Jamie and I will have our own biological babies or maybe we'll adopt. Maybe both. I could find out I'm pregnant tomorrow or I could never carry my own little ones.

But as I thought about what she said, I realized a day will come when I look at my family and can see how God put it all together. I know that whether my children are biological or adopted they'll be well worth the wait. But I don't want to wait until they're here in my arms to experience God's love for me in this valley. There are a lot of opportunities for me to grow right now - to learn to love my Savior even more, to trust Him when it's tough, to turn to Him in brokenness instead of lashing out in bitterness, to be faithful even when I don't know what tomorrow holds, to lay down my agenda for my life and open myself up to His. I know God knows my heartache and hurts for me, but He's letting me go through this for a reason, and I don't want to miss out on the hidden blessings.

And if I am faithful, if I accept this as an experience that challenges me to grow and become more loving, more faithful, more patient then when the time comes, I'll be an even better mom to my children. A mom who can teach them to love God and cling to Him when life hurts because I've been there.

Even though I hate the hurting part of it and the waiting and longing, I'm grateful for a God who loves me enough to let me be broken and to use my brokeness to make me more like Him. And I'm so so excited to see how this story unfolds.