I'll be completely honest: I didn't bond with Anna instantly. That overwhelming feeling of love some moms experience the instant that new infant is laid on their chest? Yeah, I didn't get that. I felt relieved that the delivery was over. I felt exhausted. And I felt like I wasn't quite sure who this baby they were laying on my chest was.
I have couple theories about why. Maybe because I was more than a little concerned that the midwife was hurriedly trying to stop my bleeding. Maybe because I was so out-of-it from the drugs. Maybe - and this may make me the weirdest person alive but... - maybe because in my mind this new little person didn't look like the ultrasound pictures. Of course, it's a very good thing she was not black and white, 2d and see-through. But still I had bonded with that little girl in the pictures, and this little person didn't look like her.
This might make you think I'm a horrible person. And honestly I probably would've felt pretty horrible about it if I hadn't read an article just before her birth about some new moms taking time to bond with their babies. The moral was give it time and it'll happen.
And you know what? It's true. At least it was for me.
For the first several weeks after Anna was born I kept worrying something might be wrong with me. Everyone else seemed enthralled by my baby girl. My mom and sisters couldn't get enough of her. The constant crying and lack of sleep didn't seem to be affecting Jamie like it was me. Everyone seemed to find this little person irresistable. And all I wanted was some sleep.
But slowly that started to change. Each day I felt more and more connected to her. And when she smiled at me for the first time? Fuhgedaboutit. I was a goner. In fact, that morning was a very frustrating one. Jamie was getting ready for work and I was sitting on the couch with her wondering if we'd survive another day home alone together. And then she smiled at me. And the angels sang.
There are definitely still moments I feel like I'm going insane. She's screaming, I've tried everything I can think of and she won't stop. I feel like walking out the front door and not looking back. But those moments are rarer now. Because now I'm really falling for this little person. I told Jamie it's just like falling in love. I can't get enough of her. I want to spend time with her. I miss her when she's asleep. I find every little thing about her fascinating. And I live to make her smile.
It took a little while to get there, and I feel like our bond is still growing day by day. But there's no doubt about it now. I'm head over heels.
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Monday, October 3, 2011
Hello Bloggy World
Just wanted to drop by and say...
Today is my 2-Month Birthday!
Today is my 2-Month Birthday!
Can you believe how big I'm getting?
Sunday, October 2, 2011
Last Stop - Mother Baby
Finally by Thursday evening I'd gotten two units of blood, my catheter was out (thank goodness!), I was unplugged from most of my machines and IVs and we were allowed to go to the Mother/Baby wing and act like normal new parents.
The rest of our stay was much more enjoyable than the first 3 days had been. They were still watching my blood pressure, but I was allowed to get out of bed, shower (yay!) and take care of Anna. On Friday afternoon, someone from the pediatric unit came in to discharge Anna. She was ready to go home, but was stuck hanging out in my room until they let me go.
My dad, Shannon and Rebecca arrived late on Friday night and it was so fun having them there! Friday night my doctor wanted me to get a full nights sleep, so they gave me an Ambien at bedtime. That meant someone else had to be there to care for Anna, so Aunt Shannon stayed overnight with us. I think that policy should be instituted at all hospitals. The night before they're sent home, all new moms are given a sleep aid and made to sleep at least 7 straight hours. I enjoyed one last special night with my old friend Sleep, and finally on Saturday morning my doctor was happy enough with my healing to send us home!
Of course, our fun wasn't quite done yet. The following Friday I took my mom, my sister and my 9-day old baby to a doctor's appointment with me where they said my blood pressure was still too high and put me on medication. Medication which caused my blood pressure to go way too low making me feel absolutely exhausted and making me almost pass out twice (once in Target; it was a little humiliating to hang out on an armchair that was part of a display in the furniture section while my mom went to get me something to drink. People were staring). But finally I got off that medication and things started going much better! And now, minus the sleep deprivation, I can finally say we're doing great!
And there it is - the whole saga of how our little Anna made her debut and made it interesting!
The rest of our stay was much more enjoyable than the first 3 days had been. They were still watching my blood pressure, but I was allowed to get out of bed, shower (yay!) and take care of Anna. On Friday afternoon, someone from the pediatric unit came in to discharge Anna. She was ready to go home, but was stuck hanging out in my room until they let me go.
My dad, Shannon and Rebecca arrived late on Friday night and it was so fun having them there! Friday night my doctor wanted me to get a full nights sleep, so they gave me an Ambien at bedtime. That meant someone else had to be there to care for Anna, so Aunt Shannon stayed overnight with us. I think that policy should be instituted at all hospitals. The night before they're sent home, all new moms are given a sleep aid and made to sleep at least 7 straight hours. I enjoyed one last special night with my old friend Sleep, and finally on Saturday morning my doctor was happy enough with my healing to send us home!
Of course, our fun wasn't quite done yet. The following Friday I took my mom, my sister and my 9-day old baby to a doctor's appointment with me where they said my blood pressure was still too high and put me on medication. Medication which caused my blood pressure to go way too low making me feel absolutely exhausted and making me almost pass out twice (once in Target; it was a little humiliating to hang out on an armchair that was part of a display in the furniture section while my mom went to get me something to drink. People were staring). But finally I got off that medication and things started going much better! And now, minus the sleep deprivation, I can finally say we're doing great!
And there it is - the whole saga of how our little Anna made her debut and made it interesting!
Friday, September 30, 2011
The Antepartum Suite
For those of you who are familiar with the term "antepartum" and are wondering what we were doing there after delivery, let me explain. The antepartum suites are right down the hall from labor and delivery and my doctors thought it would be best if I stayed close by for a little bit so they could keep an eye on me. At this point, Anna was doing great, but I was feeling pretty crummy. Most of that time is a little fuzzy in my memory, but here's what I DO remember:
I could not focus my eyes no matter how hard I tried. Everyone I looked at had two sets of eyes, one above the other. I'm still not sure if the extra set I was seeing were the upper or lower ones. I also couldn't read the clock, which was right at the end of my bed or see the TV very well. Oddly, I don't remember this annoying me. I think I found it kind of amusing.
Most of the rest of the day on Wednesday I just dozed on and off and enjoyed cuddling with Anna when I was awake. The lactation consultant came in and tried to get us breastfeeding, but that wasn't happening. Jamie wound up giving Anna bottles for the first 24 hours or so (happily, we kept at it and I can now say breastfeeding is going great!). Anna's nurse came in at one point to tell us she had accidentally been given two hepatitis vaccinations. How does that happen?? We were concerned, but were assured she was fine. Several different hospital staff members came in throughout the day to talk to us about it. At one point, her pediatrician came in to tell us they'd called the CDC to check with them, and they said everything would be fine. I think if I wasn't so out of it I might have freaked out. Seriously, how does that happen?
Wednesday night, Arri and my mom left and Jamie stayed with me and Anna. And that's when the you-know-what hit the fan. The first not-so-great moment came when my nurse told me I'd have to have ANOTHER catheter. Remembering how uncomfortable catheters one and especially two had been, I sorta flipped. I remember sobbing and begging her not to do it. All through the day I'd been having bouts of violent shivering. I didn't feel cold (although warm blankets seemed to stop it), I was just shaking uncontrollably. The shakes came back right about then, so I was a pleading, crying, shaking mess. It was ugly. Thankfully, this catheter was not as uncomfortable as they earlier one had been.
Late Wednesday night I apparently had some kind of reaction to the magnesium. The nurse later said my magnesium levels were too high. All I know is I started feeling AWFUL. I was dizzy, my ears were ringing, I was nauseous and I was sure I was either going to pass out or throw up. Maybe both. We called for the nurse and after a few minutes waiting for her, we called again and told her to hurry up! I can't remember if it was me or Jamie who hit the call button, but I do remember insisting she come quickly! Which is really not like me, so I must have been feeling really bad.
Shortly after the nurse arrived, I did get sick. It was horrible. I remember around that time telling Jamie that I felt so bad I just wanted to throw myself out the window. But I felt too bad to get up and over to the window. Which is probably a good thing since we were only on the second floor and a fall from there would have just caused me more pain.
Thankfully the doctor took me off the magnesium at that point. For the next 24 hours I got really nervous every time they checked my blood pressure. I REALLY did want to go back on that awful stuff!!
They decided after doing some blood work that I wasn't bouncing back from the blood loss fast enough, and so they started a transfusion. Also around that time the nurses decided leaving Jamie with me and the baby was asking a little much of a new dad. So they took Anna to the nursery for the night ("nursery" being a loose term since they don't really have a real nursery at NEGA; she spent the night in her bassinet behind the nurses station). Jamie was pretty relieved! He was doing a great job and was already becoming a pro at diapering and swaddling, but taking care of both of us at once was a little overwhelming to say the least.
At some point - the timeline's a little tough to remember - my IV infiltrated. I'd never heard that term used before, and I'm still not sure exactly what that means, medically speaking. As far as I could tell it means your arm swells like a balloon and gets really sore. I couldn't straighten it out completely for days.
My veins had apparently shrunk down into nothingness, so putting in a new IV was pretty tough. The lab people were also coming every few hours to draw blood and each time they had to stick me several places to find a decent vein. I felt like a pin cushion.
Between being off the magnesium and getting a little extra blood, by the time they brought Anna back to us at 9 on Thursday morning, I was feeling a little better. The nurses told me as soon as the blood transfusion was completed I could move on to our next stop, the mother-baby wing.
I could not focus my eyes no matter how hard I tried. Everyone I looked at had two sets of eyes, one above the other. I'm still not sure if the extra set I was seeing were the upper or lower ones. I also couldn't read the clock, which was right at the end of my bed or see the TV very well. Oddly, I don't remember this annoying me. I think I found it kind of amusing.
Most of the rest of the day on Wednesday I just dozed on and off and enjoyed cuddling with Anna when I was awake. The lactation consultant came in and tried to get us breastfeeding, but that wasn't happening. Jamie wound up giving Anna bottles for the first 24 hours or so (happily, we kept at it and I can now say breastfeeding is going great!). Anna's nurse came in at one point to tell us she had accidentally been given two hepatitis vaccinations. How does that happen?? We were concerned, but were assured she was fine. Several different hospital staff members came in throughout the day to talk to us about it. At one point, her pediatrician came in to tell us they'd called the CDC to check with them, and they said everything would be fine. I think if I wasn't so out of it I might have freaked out. Seriously, how does that happen?
Wednesday night, Arri and my mom left and Jamie stayed with me and Anna. And that's when the you-know-what hit the fan. The first not-so-great moment came when my nurse told me I'd have to have ANOTHER catheter. Remembering how uncomfortable catheters one and especially two had been, I sorta flipped. I remember sobbing and begging her not to do it. All through the day I'd been having bouts of violent shivering. I didn't feel cold (although warm blankets seemed to stop it), I was just shaking uncontrollably. The shakes came back right about then, so I was a pleading, crying, shaking mess. It was ugly. Thankfully, this catheter was not as uncomfortable as they earlier one had been.
Late Wednesday night I apparently had some kind of reaction to the magnesium. The nurse later said my magnesium levels were too high. All I know is I started feeling AWFUL. I was dizzy, my ears were ringing, I was nauseous and I was sure I was either going to pass out or throw up. Maybe both. We called for the nurse and after a few minutes waiting for her, we called again and told her to hurry up! I can't remember if it was me or Jamie who hit the call button, but I do remember insisting she come quickly! Which is really not like me, so I must have been feeling really bad.
Shortly after the nurse arrived, I did get sick. It was horrible. I remember around that time telling Jamie that I felt so bad I just wanted to throw myself out the window. But I felt too bad to get up and over to the window. Which is probably a good thing since we were only on the second floor and a fall from there would have just caused me more pain.
Thankfully the doctor took me off the magnesium at that point. For the next 24 hours I got really nervous every time they checked my blood pressure. I REALLY did want to go back on that awful stuff!!
They decided after doing some blood work that I wasn't bouncing back from the blood loss fast enough, and so they started a transfusion. Also around that time the nurses decided leaving Jamie with me and the baby was asking a little much of a new dad. So they took Anna to the nursery for the night ("nursery" being a loose term since they don't really have a real nursery at NEGA; she spent the night in her bassinet behind the nurses station). Jamie was pretty relieved! He was doing a great job and was already becoming a pro at diapering and swaddling, but taking care of both of us at once was a little overwhelming to say the least.
At some point - the timeline's a little tough to remember - my IV infiltrated. I'd never heard that term used before, and I'm still not sure exactly what that means, medically speaking. As far as I could tell it means your arm swells like a balloon and gets really sore. I couldn't straighten it out completely for days.
My veins had apparently shrunk down into nothingness, so putting in a new IV was pretty tough. The lab people were also coming every few hours to draw blood and each time they had to stick me several places to find a decent vein. I felt like a pin cushion.
Between being off the magnesium and getting a little extra blood, by the time they brought Anna back to us at 9 on Thursday morning, I was feeling a little better. The nurses told me as soon as the blood transfusion was completed I could move on to our next stop, the mother-baby wing.
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Delivery Day!
Our second day in L&D started at 6:30am when my nurse came in to wake me up. She told me to take a shower and they would be back in at 7 to start the second induction drug, Pitocin.
I tried to get myself psyched up while I showered. I told myself my delivery could still go the way I wanted, even with the induction. Here's what I wanted:
- Hold off on the epidural as long as possible, maybe not have one at all.
- Be very proactive in moving my labor along by walking the halls, rocking in the rocking chair, etc.
- Not have a creepy dude deliver my precious daughter.
Let me explain that last one a little. I go to a very large OB/GYN practice. I considered leaving when I found out we were expecting, but ultimately decided I like my doctor too much. I stayed and saw my regular OB for all but a couple visits. However, I knew whoever was on call the day I delivered would do the delivery. So I was a little nervous about who it might be.
My first disappointment came early when I found out Jack was on call that day and would be delivering Anna. Jack the male midwife. Don't judge me, but a male midwife totally weirds me out. I mean WIFE is right there in the word.
On the plus side, Jack is what they call very "granola" and anti-epidural, so I knew he'd support me in having a natural delivery.
Except...
I had to be on Magnesium (aka Devil Juice) because of my blood pressure. And because of the magnesium, I had to have catheter #2 (this was about the worst thing ever; so so so uncomfortable!!) And because of the catheter, I had to stay in my bed. On my back. Just laying there enjoying the contractions. So walking, rocking, etc. were out of the question. We decided to go ahead with the epidural pretty quickly!
So day two looked like this - shower at 6:30, start the Pitocin at 7:00. Contractions started pretty quickly and were very productive, especially considering I was not dilated at all when I came into the hospital. By 12:30(ish), my water had broken on its own, my epidural was in place and I was 10 centimeters and ready to push.
At least my nurse said I was ready to push.
I on the other hand, felt way too drugged up and tired (a side effect of the magnesium and a pain killer they had given me when I was trying to hold off on the epidural). I asked if I could wait and the nurse, seeming a little confused at that request, suggested we try pushing for a while just to see how it went.
Here's how it went - I pushed for 2 stinkin' hours, couldn't feel what I was doing because of the epidural, and I don't think that baby moved one centimeter.
We took a break and the nurses left saying they'd return in 30 minutes. It was more like 45, and during that time my epidural wore off. I could now feel the contractions and was really feeling like I needed to get that baby out!! When they (finally!) returned, I pushed for another hour and finally at 4:45 our beautiful girl made her appearance. I was so happy to finally see her! Lots of people have commented on my pushing for 3 hours, but honestly that was the best part of the delivery. It was hard, I was exhausted, but it was nice to be doing something instead of just laying there in pain. And once all the after-delivery fun started for me, pushing seemed like a walk in the park. They put her on my chest and let me hold her for a minute before taking her to be weighed and measured.
Unfortunately, that's when things started to get ugly for me. I was hemorrhaging badly and the midwife was trying to quickly stop the bleeding. This mainly involved having the nurses press on my stomach with all their strength. Super painful! I also needed a ton of stitches and basically was not doing so hot. As far as the day was from my ideal, this was my biggest disappointment. My sweet baby girl was being cuddled, kissed and loved on by her daddy, Nana and Aunt Arri and I was unable to hold her. One of the things I loved about our hospital was their policy of giving mom and baby bonding time. Typically the baby is given a quick once-over to make sure they're healthy, wiped off and handed over to mom and they're given up to 2 hours to bond before the baby is taken for their bath and immunizations in the nursery. I was looking forward to that and was really bummed that I couldn't take advantage of it.
But our girl was BEAUTIFUL and healthy and I was so happy to see her precious face. Once they got me all settled we were relocated to our next stop on the NE Georgia Medical Center tour, the antepartum suite.
I tried to get myself psyched up while I showered. I told myself my delivery could still go the way I wanted, even with the induction. Here's what I wanted:
- Hold off on the epidural as long as possible, maybe not have one at all.
- Be very proactive in moving my labor along by walking the halls, rocking in the rocking chair, etc.
- Not have a creepy dude deliver my precious daughter.
Let me explain that last one a little. I go to a very large OB/GYN practice. I considered leaving when I found out we were expecting, but ultimately decided I like my doctor too much. I stayed and saw my regular OB for all but a couple visits. However, I knew whoever was on call the day I delivered would do the delivery. So I was a little nervous about who it might be.
My first disappointment came early when I found out Jack was on call that day and would be delivering Anna. Jack the male midwife. Don't judge me, but a male midwife totally weirds me out. I mean WIFE is right there in the word.
On the plus side, Jack is what they call very "granola" and anti-epidural, so I knew he'd support me in having a natural delivery.
Except...
I had to be on Magnesium (aka Devil Juice) because of my blood pressure. And because of the magnesium, I had to have catheter #2 (this was about the worst thing ever; so so so uncomfortable!!) And because of the catheter, I had to stay in my bed. On my back. Just laying there enjoying the contractions. So walking, rocking, etc. were out of the question. We decided to go ahead with the epidural pretty quickly!
So day two looked like this - shower at 6:30, start the Pitocin at 7:00. Contractions started pretty quickly and were very productive, especially considering I was not dilated at all when I came into the hospital. By 12:30(ish), my water had broken on its own, my epidural was in place and I was 10 centimeters and ready to push.
At least my nurse said I was ready to push.
I on the other hand, felt way too drugged up and tired (a side effect of the magnesium and a pain killer they had given me when I was trying to hold off on the epidural). I asked if I could wait and the nurse, seeming a little confused at that request, suggested we try pushing for a while just to see how it went.
Here's how it went - I pushed for 2 stinkin' hours, couldn't feel what I was doing because of the epidural, and I don't think that baby moved one centimeter.
We took a break and the nurses left saying they'd return in 30 minutes. It was more like 45, and during that time my epidural wore off. I could now feel the contractions and was really feeling like I needed to get that baby out!! When they (finally!) returned, I pushed for another hour and finally at 4:45 our beautiful girl made her appearance. I was so happy to finally see her! Lots of people have commented on my pushing for 3 hours, but honestly that was the best part of the delivery. It was hard, I was exhausted, but it was nice to be doing something instead of just laying there in pain. And once all the after-delivery fun started for me, pushing seemed like a walk in the park. They put her on my chest and let me hold her for a minute before taking her to be weighed and measured.
Unfortunately, that's when things started to get ugly for me. I was hemorrhaging badly and the midwife was trying to quickly stop the bleeding. This mainly involved having the nurses press on my stomach with all their strength. Super painful! I also needed a ton of stitches and basically was not doing so hot. As far as the day was from my ideal, this was my biggest disappointment. My sweet baby girl was being cuddled, kissed and loved on by her daddy, Nana and Aunt Arri and I was unable to hold her. One of the things I loved about our hospital was their policy of giving mom and baby bonding time. Typically the baby is given a quick once-over to make sure they're healthy, wiped off and handed over to mom and they're given up to 2 hours to bond before the baby is taken for their bath and immunizations in the nursery. I was looking forward to that and was really bummed that I couldn't take advantage of it.
But our girl was BEAUTIFUL and healthy and I was so happy to see her precious face. Once they got me all settled we were relocated to our next stop on the NE Georgia Medical Center tour, the antepartum suite.
A Funny Little Story
Yesterday I was singing to Anna. She usually LOVES when I sing to her (she'll get over that as soon as she learns what music is supposed to sound like I'm sure). She was watching me and listening, pleasant and content when I decided to try "You are My Sunshine". I guess it's not my best piece, because as soon as I started to sing her lower lip started making its way out. As I sang, her pout got bigger and bigger until she finally broke out in a loud wail. It was hilarious to watch! I have to try to get the pout on camera. She just started doing it and it's so cute!!
Monday, September 26, 2011
Labor and Delivery - Day One
Once I arrived at the hospital, I was taken into a labor and delivery room, told to change into a gown and then the fun began.
Because they were worried about my blood pressure, the put a cuff on me and set it to take my pressure every 5 minutes. Then they gave me a lovely plastic wedge pillow and told me to lay on my left side. Apparently this helps your blood pressure. It also gets really uncomfortable after several hours. This was also when they gave me the first of what would end up being three catheters. I won't go into detail, but catheter + labor? Not fun at all!
Jamie got there soon after I checked in and I was so happy to see him! (Actually according to his security nametag, the man who came to my hospital room was Jamison Ho Falen. But whatever, he looked like my husband).
The afternoon was pretty stressful. Every time someone came in, they told me something different. One moment they were concerned about my blood pressure and lab work results and were in a hurry to deliver and weren't ruling out the possibility of a c-section. The next my pressure seemed to be stabilizing and they were going to wait and let me eat lunch and then start the induction that evening. The back and forth was really frustrating! But by late afternoon they had decided to let me eat something and rest for a few hours and start the induction that evening.
Meanwhile, my mom had changed her flight and left right away, so by Tuesday evening she had arrived. Jamie's sister Arri was in Atlanta taking care of some official business for her teaching stint in Korea, so she was able to pick my mom up and be there with us, too.
By Tuesday night I was settled in, still on my left side (which was now mostly numb), just hanging out with Jamie and my mom in my room. We decided Jamie would go home for one last good night of sleep in our bed before baby, and my mom would stay with me overnight.
Before bed, they started the first induction medication, Cervidil, and it started working right away. I started having contractions and they decided to stop the Cervidil and let my body do its own thing overnight. It was a good sign that the Cervidil started working so quickly and an indication of things to come! Mom and I tried our hardest to get a little bit of sleep before the real fun started the next day...
Because they were worried about my blood pressure, the put a cuff on me and set it to take my pressure every 5 minutes. Then they gave me a lovely plastic wedge pillow and told me to lay on my left side. Apparently this helps your blood pressure. It also gets really uncomfortable after several hours. This was also when they gave me the first of what would end up being three catheters. I won't go into detail, but catheter + labor? Not fun at all!
Jamie got there soon after I checked in and I was so happy to see him! (Actually according to his security nametag, the man who came to my hospital room was Jamison Ho Falen. But whatever, he looked like my husband).
The afternoon was pretty stressful. Every time someone came in, they told me something different. One moment they were concerned about my blood pressure and lab work results and were in a hurry to deliver and weren't ruling out the possibility of a c-section. The next my pressure seemed to be stabilizing and they were going to wait and let me eat lunch and then start the induction that evening. The back and forth was really frustrating! But by late afternoon they had decided to let me eat something and rest for a few hours and start the induction that evening.
Meanwhile, my mom had changed her flight and left right away, so by Tuesday evening she had arrived. Jamie's sister Arri was in Atlanta taking care of some official business for her teaching stint in Korea, so she was able to pick my mom up and be there with us, too.
By Tuesday night I was settled in, still on my left side (which was now mostly numb), just hanging out with Jamie and my mom in my room. We decided Jamie would go home for one last good night of sleep in our bed before baby, and my mom would stay with me overnight.
Before bed, they started the first induction medication, Cervidil, and it started working right away. I started having contractions and they decided to stop the Cervidil and let my body do its own thing overnight. It was a good sign that the Cervidil started working so quickly and an indication of things to come! Mom and I tried our hardest to get a little bit of sleep before the real fun started the next day...
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