Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Falling in Love

I'll be completely honest: I didn't bond with Anna instantly. That overwhelming feeling of love some moms experience the instant that new infant is laid on their chest? Yeah, I didn't get that. I felt relieved that the delivery was over. I felt exhausted. And I felt like I wasn't quite sure who this baby they were laying on my chest was.

I have couple theories about why. Maybe because I was more than a little concerned that the midwife was hurriedly trying to stop my bleeding. Maybe because I was so out-of-it from the drugs. Maybe - and this may make me the weirdest person alive but... - maybe because in my mind this new little person didn't look like the ultrasound pictures. Of course, it's a very good thing she was not black and white, 2d and see-through. But still I had bonded with that little girl in the pictures, and this little person didn't look like her.

This might make you think I'm a horrible person. And honestly I probably would've felt pretty horrible about it if I hadn't read an article just before her birth about some new moms taking time to bond with their babies. The moral was give it time and it'll happen.

And you know what? It's true. At least it was for me.

For the first several weeks after Anna was born I kept worrying something might be wrong with me. Everyone else seemed enthralled by my baby girl. My mom and sisters couldn't get enough of her. The constant crying and lack of sleep didn't seem to be affecting Jamie like it was me. Everyone seemed to find this little person irresistable. And all I wanted was some sleep.

But slowly that started to change. Each day I felt more and more connected to her. And when she smiled at me for the first time? Fuhgedaboutit. I was a goner. In fact, that morning was a very frustrating one. Jamie was getting ready for work and I was sitting on the couch with her wondering if we'd survive another day home alone together. And then she smiled at me. And the angels sang.

There are definitely still moments I feel like I'm going insane. She's screaming, I've tried everything I can think of and she won't stop. I feel like walking out the front door and not looking back. But those moments are rarer now. Because now I'm really falling for this little person. I told Jamie it's just like falling in love. I can't get enough of her. I want to spend time with her. I miss her when she's asleep. I find every little thing about her fascinating. And I live to make her smile.

It took a little while to get there, and I feel like our bond is still growing day by day. But there's no doubt about it now. I'm head over heels.


Anonymous said...

Tara, I felt the same way about Bobby. I loved him to bits because he was my baby, BUT... he wasn't a girl, first of all. Back in the day, nobody had ultrasounds unless it was a dire situation, so you did not know whether it was a boy or a girl before the birth. I had been talking to my little girl for months, and when they laid a little boy on my chest, it was, "Well this is nice, but where's Marissa?" And, secondly, Bobby wasn't an "easy" baby, so the falling in love took a while. But when it finally happens, it's the best fall a mom could ever take! happy 3 month birthday to Anna!
Love, Aunt Linda :-)

Rebecca said...

That is so beautiful! I'm so happy for you and wish i could be there with you to see her growing and becoming a little person :) I hope that every day fills your heart with more joy and love for her! Can't wait to see you all again!!! Love you!