Monday, October 1, 2012

Two Perfect

I don't frequently curse. Every now and then I may use a mild profanity when the timing is perfect and I know I can make Jamie laugh with a well-placed h-word or d-word.  I don't generally curse to express anger or frustration.

But last January, when those two lines appeared? Well, I might have let one slip. Maybe more than one. I might have been a little shocked. Ok, beyond a little a shocked. Completely and utterly shocked. Another baby? How could I be having another baby when my first baby is still a baby? I hadn't slept 8 straight hours in 5 full months! I was never going to sleep again!

For about 5 minutes, I freaked out. I laughed and cried at the same time like a maniac. I panicked about how Jamie would react when I told him. I started mentally listing all the reasons why having two babies so close together would be impossible. I couldn't do it.

And then I pulled myself together and decided since I was going to have another baby, I was going to be positive about it. And I committed myself to only focus on the good stuff for the rest of my pregnancy. Panicking and having meltdowns wasn't going to make it easier, so I would simply refuse to.

I didn't exactly obey my self-imposed optimism rule all the time. For the most part, I stayed positive, but I had a few sob fests, usually after Anna had had a particularly bad day. I would fall apart and ask Jamie, "How am I ever going to do this with two? I can't. We're hiring a nanny. I'm holding my sister hostage and forbidding her from leaving. I can't do this."

Just like the first time, my pregnancy flew by and before I knew it I was sitting in a hospital bed holding my perfect baby girl, still pretty convinced I could not handle being a mom of two babies only 12 months apart.

When Jamie brought Anna to the hospital to meet her little sister, she was a little off. Cranky, whiny. And she felt feverish. When we came home the next evening, she was still not quite herself and still felt hot. I was sitting on the couch, trying to nurse my newborn while my "big girl", who was still so very little, was crying and needed me. I felt so torn! I started crying myself. Was this what it was going to be like from now on? Never enough of me to go around? One girl would always be getting less of me than she needed? I was a little freaked out.

But here's what I've found: there are most definitely moments where I'm stretched thin. Usually they involve a nursing Brooke and a sobbing, tantrum-throwing Anna. But for the most part, having two has been such a blessing. I'm way more laidback about Brooke crying than I was with Anna (of course a lot of that has to do with the fact that she cries much less!) I will get to her and meet her needs as quickly as I can, but I've learned if she has to wait a minute, she'll be ok. I've learned to make the most of playtime with Anna. I might not be able to give her attention every waking moment, but I can make sure the time she does get is quality. And overall, I'm happier this way. I feel like I'm more focused. Playtime is playtime, and Anna gets 100% of me. When it's time to do housework, I have to give it my full attention or I won't accomlish anything. When it's time to feed Brooke, I sit down and focus on her and remind myself that this will pass all too quickly.

For right now, I feel like I'm the perfect amount of busy. Not overwhelmed, but just enough to make me not take for granted the time I do have.

But talk to me again in another few months when Brooke isn't sleeping 20 hours a day!

P.S. Blogger is saying I've used up all my storage space for photos, hence this photo-less post. That's also why I haven't posted a one-month update for Brooke. Pictures were taken, but I can't post them. I'll figure it out and get a post up soon, I hope!


Anonymous said...

I'm so glad that things feel copacetic for you right now. It's nice when you feel competent and on the ball as a mom. Enjoy it while it lasts and savor it; the memory will help get you through the certain rough patches in the future. love you and miss you!
Love , Aunt Linda :-)

Katy {and Kahler} said...

rejoicing with you and praying for you!

also... blogger does that to me too sometimes and i still haven't really figured it out. lame.

sonflowerjax said...

So happy to hear you're doing well! I have been a stranger to blogger lately as well! I had the same thing happen to my blog. I ended up ordering my 2010 year in a book form ($28 including shipping) and then deleted the photos from picaso web that went with those posts. It's in case you are interested. I can't figure out another way to bypass it without paying per month to google which I refused to do! :)