Tuesday, February 8, 2011

In the Now

I've always been a grass-is-greener person. No matter where I am in life I feel like I'd be just a little happier somewhere else. When I was in high school, I was sure I'd be happier in college (actually I was so...), in college I was sure I'd be happier out in the "real world", when I was jobless I was sure I'd be happier working, and then when I was working I was sure I'd be happier at home! (and then when I was unemployed again, I wanted to be working....and then when I was working again I wanted to be home...)

I am fighting SO HARD to not let that attitude creep into this pregnancy! I find myself thinking If we can just make it to second trimester, than I'll relax and enjoy my pregnancy. I want to rush ahead to registering and decorating the nursery and buying maternity clothes even though I'm not at that point yet. It's hard for me to not think I'll be happier when...

But I am really making an effort to slow down, enjoy it, soak it all in. Because there's a big question that always remains in the back of my head - Will this pregnancy be my only pregnancy?

The fact is an infertile couple doesn't cease to be an infertile couple just because they get pregnant. It's possible we may never have any trouble again! We hope we'll go on to have 2 or 3 or 6 more pregnancies without a glitch. It's also possible that this one pregnancy is our miracle, our one trip down the pregnancy road.

And if that's the case, I want to soak in every.single.moment.

It's said that every cloud has a silver lining and one of the blessings of infertility is the deepened appreciation it's given me for the gift of this pregnancy. Delayed gratification and all that. I wanted it SO much for so long and I realize I may never have it again, so I am determined to enjoy the heck out of it!

So right now I'm tired and I have to get up to go to the bathroom 17 times a night and I can't seem to sleep and I bawled my eyes out over "Oliver and Company" and a news story about a lost seeing eye dog. But I won't complain about any of that! Because I know what it all means. It means a dream come true. And though I want to skip ahead - to my next doctor's appointment when we'll be safely out of the first trimester, to the day I finally start to "show", to the day we get to decorate our nursery - I will do my best to live in the right now and remember that each second of this pregnancy is a blessing.

Update 2/11/2011 12:50 PM I just got home from Target. I bought a couple maternity shirts. I don't need them yet. I just wanted to. There I go, rushing ahead :)


Rebecca said...

Love you so much!! Praying for you always!!

Cyndee said...

Tara, We are praying, praying, praying for you and our little one! Don't let your fears take away from one minute of this pregnancy. It truly is a miracle!

Looking forward to tomorrow's report!

Love You!