Wednesday, November 11, 2009

The Pantry

I’m in an interesting season of my life right now; one that I never imagined myself in. I always thought I’d be a stay-at-home mom if at all possible, so I didn’t foresee myself being a career woman. But I’d always assumed I’d work until I entered mommyhood. Being a full-time housewife without kids at home isn’t something I expected. I try to be very careful not to complain too much because I know how good I have it – most of my friends work and would give anything for a day just to sleep in and watch Gilmore Girls. And so many families do not have the option of being a one-income household. Especially a one-income household that lives in a great house and can still afford to do things like travel and go out with friends. So I’m well aware of how blessed I am.

But blessed is not the same as fulfilled. And while I’m grateful, a sense of fulfillment has been hard for me to find.

It’s not that I don’t have things to give my time and attention to. I’m a wife, a homeowner, a middle school volunteer at church, a friend, daughter, sister…all things that I can give my time and attention to. And there are a lot of opportunities that I now have the time to pursue: going back to school, becoming a CASA, volunteering, scrapbooking, home improvement projects, getting in better shape, etc., etc. It’s just that I’m having a hard time not being where I thought I’d be and embracing all these opportunities. I tend to spend more time wishing things were different.

I gave this analogy to Jamie the other day: you know when you’re hungry and you have something very specific in mind that you want to eat? Like maybe chocolate. If you go into the kitchen and all the chocolate is gone you feel like there’s nothing to eat, even though your fridge might be full of delicious, nutritional things. And you might eat something just because it’s there but it doesn’t satisfy. It’s not what your tummy is really wanting. And, if you’re like me you start whining that there’s nothing to eat despite that fact that actually there are a lot of options.

My hypothetical pantry is very full right now. But I still find myself whining that there’s nothing to eat. I want some chocolate and everything looks like celery to me. And I’m sure my attitude is as obnoxious to God as it was to my mom when I was living at home.

I’m trying. Really I am. Jamie – who gets to hear all my whining - might disagree. There will come a time in the future where I will look back longingly at this time in my life. I know there will. I need to figure out how to appreciate this season and embrace its blessings before it ends. And I have bigger things to schedule my day around than my regular 11:00 date with Lorelai and Rory Gilmore.


Shannon said...

"Perhaps having a good life, one that we are satisfied or joyful in, is not measured by how much subjective good there actually is in our lives, but simply in if we look for satisfaction and joy."

I read this quote today and it made me think of you. I know it's not really very helpful and stuff you already know but I still liked it:)

Cyndee said...

My pantry and refrigerator are filled with Kashi cereal and fruit and I still ate a peanut butter tastycake for breakfast....

Rebecca said...

My pantry's full of nice things, but my teachers keep making me eat brussel sprouts. and peas.
I hope you find your chocolate soon, or at least some peanut butter or cream cheese for your celery!

grandpa said...

I think you guys are right, you need to get into a new year. Come on 2010.