Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Falling in Love

I'll be completely honest: I didn't bond with Anna instantly. That overwhelming feeling of love some moms experience the instant that new infant is laid on their chest? Yeah, I didn't get that. I felt relieved that the delivery was over. I felt exhausted. And I felt like I wasn't quite sure who this baby they were laying on my chest was.

I have couple theories about why. Maybe because I was more than a little concerned that the midwife was hurriedly trying to stop my bleeding. Maybe because I was so out-of-it from the drugs. Maybe - and this may make me the weirdest person alive but... - maybe because in my mind this new little person didn't look like the ultrasound pictures. Of course, it's a very good thing she was not black and white, 2d and see-through. But still I had bonded with that little girl in the pictures, and this little person didn't look like her.

This might make you think I'm a horrible person. And honestly I probably would've felt pretty horrible about it if I hadn't read an article just before her birth about some new moms taking time to bond with their babies. The moral was give it time and it'll happen.

And you know what? It's true. At least it was for me.

For the first several weeks after Anna was born I kept worrying something might be wrong with me. Everyone else seemed enthralled by my baby girl. My mom and sisters couldn't get enough of her. The constant crying and lack of sleep didn't seem to be affecting Jamie like it was me. Everyone seemed to find this little person irresistable. And all I wanted was some sleep.

But slowly that started to change. Each day I felt more and more connected to her. And when she smiled at me for the first time? Fuhgedaboutit. I was a goner. In fact, that morning was a very frustrating one. Jamie was getting ready for work and I was sitting on the couch with her wondering if we'd survive another day home alone together. And then she smiled at me. And the angels sang.

There are definitely still moments I feel like I'm going insane. She's screaming, I've tried everything I can think of and she won't stop. I feel like walking out the front door and not looking back. But those moments are rarer now. Because now I'm really falling for this little person. I told Jamie it's just like falling in love. I can't get enough of her. I want to spend time with her. I miss her when she's asleep. I find every little thing about her fascinating. And I live to make her smile.

It took a little while to get there, and I feel like our bond is still growing day by day. But there's no doubt about it now. I'm head over heels.

Monday, October 3, 2011

Hello Bloggy World

Just wanted to drop by and say...

Today is my 2-Month Birthday!

Can you believe how big I'm getting?

Sunday, October 2, 2011

Last Stop - Mother Baby

Finally by Thursday evening I'd gotten two units of blood, my catheter was out (thank goodness!), I was unplugged from most of my machines and IVs and we were allowed to go to the Mother/Baby wing and act like normal new parents.

The rest of our stay was much more enjoyable than the first 3 days had been. They were still watching my blood pressure, but I was allowed to get out of bed, shower (yay!) and take care of Anna. On Friday afternoon, someone from the pediatric unit came in to discharge Anna. She was ready to go home, but was stuck hanging out in my room until they let me go.

My dad, Shannon and Rebecca arrived late on Friday night and it was so fun having them there! Friday night my doctor wanted me to get a full nights sleep, so they gave me an Ambien at bedtime. That meant someone else had to be there to care for Anna, so Aunt Shannon stayed overnight with us. I think that policy should be instituted at all hospitals. The night before they're sent home, all new moms are given a sleep aid and made to sleep at least 7 straight hours. I enjoyed one last special night with my old friend Sleep, and finally on Saturday morning my doctor was happy enough with my healing to send us home!

Of course, our fun wasn't quite done yet. The following Friday I took my mom, my sister and my 9-day old baby to a doctor's appointment with me where they said my blood pressure was still too high and put me on medication. Medication which caused my blood pressure to go way too low making me feel absolutely exhausted and making me almost pass out twice (once in Target; it was a little humiliating to hang out on an armchair that was part of a display in the furniture section while my mom went to get me something to drink. People were staring). But finally I got off that medication and things started going much better! And now, minus the sleep deprivation, I can finally say we're doing great!

And there it is - the whole saga of how our little Anna made her debut and made it interesting!